When it was all said and done I wished I had not kept my mouth shut for the whole ordeal. I wish now that I could have told you what I was feeling when you walked away so you would not now think that I am the cold steel thing that I always wanted you to believe I was

Late at night I think about doing it. I think about airmailing my brain across the room or hanging myself from the rafters in my basement room. I remember those late night phone calls from you and the tales of you wanting to die. I sat there and told you to be strong. I did everything I could think of within the honesty of my feelings for you to help you want to live, as I sat wishing I were dead. That was almost a year ago. Seems a lot longer. Your face has almost faded in my memories. All I can see now are your bright blue intense eyes. Remember when you were having those dreams and suicidal tendencies? You asked me to imagine myself holding you at night so you could feel it and sleep better? Well, I still do that now in hopes that I will find a real nights sleep. At this point I have been up fifty hours with only two hours of sleep thrown in for spice. I have eaten nothing.

I have never been more afraid of myself than I am at this point. I am living in eternal midnight. I am stuck in the solitary mans twilight zone where stars trick you into staring contests and the air is only slightly too thin to breathe. Angels sing to me from behind cardboard walls with their bulldog brick facades. I know nothing of another humans touch. The last women to touch me revolted me. I turned inside out right in front of her and she never even noticed the blood on the sheets or the bare muscle tissue beneath her fingertips. I was in her and we clawed at one another for awhile nothing more, nothing less. There was no post-traumatic-stress-conversation; no brittle arms around steel souls; no words like razors intended to heal so already regrettable act. There was nothing except for shadows on walls that shied from each other as if they were a sun sent only to incinerate and destroy. There was nothing there that I remember being there when you and I were together in our moments of ignorant bliss. I have never missed anyone before and I am finding it hard to deal with. It has been a year and you would think that I would be over it by now. You would think but then again you always said we werent paid to think. Fact is I have never forgotten you or found it within myself to think less of you. I will always remember the fact that someone like you told me she loved me and made it seem real; made it seem ok to relish in the words that came from your mouth like cool water in a desert. Yeah, thats it: You are the oasis in the desert existence I have been locked into.

Right now I miss you. Right now you frighten me. Right now I am sitting here alone in my room working harder than I have in years. Right now I want to thank you for being alive and for allowing me to know you. Sounds weak and foolish doesn't it? I mean why would someone actually thank another person for existing? I mean I hope you understand what I mean by all of it. I don't want you to think I am obssessed or anything. I could never be obssessed... I could not lose myself for you no matter what. It is true that I have always been a loner and right now I would trade a few hours alone for a few hours with you, but that is only because being with you is like being alone with someone else in the room. I need no front with you. All I need is me. I have never known that before. I have never been touched by a woman that really knew how I was before. So I say thank you for being alive, and for knowing me. I thank you for each soft touch and kiss. I don't know a better way to put it.