It has been weeks since I last saw your eyes... I remember how beautiful you were that day. Did you do that knowing I was going to be asked to leave? Does it really matter any longer? I was asked to go and I did as all of you wished. I went away from you and fell headlong into myself sitting in an empty room staring at the grain in the wood of the walls and floors. I have had a lot of time to myself to examine my own inner workings. I have gone further into my soul than anyone else or myself had ever before dared to go. I have also seen myself through the eyes of others: Lovers, enemies, and friends long dead. I have discovered things that I never before knew I harbored in me. I see now some of why you were able to fall in love with me, and I can also see how foolishly I broke you. I am beginning now to believe in things that I wasnt before strong enough to believe in.

You're out there somewhere
You're breathing slow and heavy
You feel distant and disconnected
You ait in that chair
Night afetr night
Your head cradled in your hands
You memorize the grain of the wood in your floor
Soon you find faces in the mishappened shapes and give them names
At night you listen to the waters in the pipes and imagine the voices of angels
Have you ever sat there and tried to will death to you?
Have you ever contimplated skinning yourself alive?
How far do you think you could take it?
How far would you get before you passed out and turned back?

I miss you. Im sorry that I keep bothering you with this shit. I am sure youre sick of hearing it all by now. I mean you were there... you know exactly how it all went down. I just dont have anyone else to tell all this to. Everyone else I know is cold, worn out, and beaten down. I really have come close to becoming one of them since you have left but I am trying hard to maintain and keep breathing. I just wanted to let you know I am still alive, because I know you would be disappointed if I took the other route

Maybe it is foolish, but I am starting to dream again. Some people walk in and knock you for a loop. Sometimes you find someone and they send you through yourself. Sometimes you start to believe in love. Sometimes you want to conquer teh world in their name. Sometimes doesn't happen all the time, just every now and again. I am grabbing hold and I am not letting go. Off to nowhere he we go.

The room is empty again tonight. Lights off and Tom Waits wailing a blues song. This is old hack, with a new twist. For once I dont feel like killing myself, but I am lonely. Because she is not here, She is out there somewhere sleeping a peaceful sleep and there are no arms around her. I remember she smirks ever so slightly when she sleeps. I wonder if she thinks of me when she is drifting off. The air here is calloused and bruised with the love she had given me earlier. I can still smell her hair on the pillow and her flesh on the wind. Her sweat lingers on the sheets. Her soul burns like the sun in the hindsight of memory; Simple soul crushing beauty with the curious eyes of a child. Her dreams worry her shes afraid she will never seem them realized. I wish I could make everything perfect; give her everything she ever wanted and lift the curse from her life. Day to day we go, and fall into our light night phone blues. I listen to her telling me that death is knocking on her door tonight. Fate holds her in his arms and kisses her goodnight. I hang up the receiver knowing I will never see her again.

· * *

Life and death
Body and blood
Love and pain
Heart and soul
I know it is time to go